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"You know it's all moral victories these days," she said dryly. "And then I come home and
find out that you gave Takis his trust fund. Are you okay? I was worried you might be
dying."
"Worse," Rase said. "I realized that I was turning into my father." He scrubbed a hand
through his hair, trying to release the tension gnawing at his skull.
"I was hoping you'd figure that out," she said gently. "Is that all? Takis mentioned that you
and Andrea had split, not that it wasn't all over the papers already."
Rase closed the window between himself and the driver. "I just& I had an epiphany, I
guess."
"Was a good one?" If Rase closed his eyes, he could imagine her sitting across from him, a
soft expression on her pixie face.
"Depends." Rase rubbed his free hand against his thigh to dry it. "I realized I was still living
like Dad was still alive. I shouldn't have been living like that while he was still here."
"He wasn't a man who made things like that easy," Maggie said. "You did your best, Rase. I
know you did."
"I don't even know who I am anymore, Mags." Rase could hear the tremor in his own voice.
"You're a good person, Rase. That's who you are." Rase wished that they could be having this
conversation in person, but maybe if they were face to face he wouldn't have the nerve.
"There's this guy& " The words started spilling out like tears, just as humiliating and just as
much of a relief. "He used to work for me, and now I can't find him, and I don't even know if
I should be looking for him, and I don't know what I'm doing, Mags." If they were face to
face, at least he could put his head on her shoulder for a little while.
"Oh, baby," Maggie said, and her voice was as broken as his. "I love you, Rase. You
should've called me."
"I screwed up with you so bad, Maggie," Rase said. "I was a shitty husband to you. I don't
know what happened. But I don't deserve to just call you up out of nowhere because I fucked
up my life."
"You don't get to make that decision, Rase," she said. "I do. And I say you do deserve it. I
always did. I miss you so much, not the shitty husband thing, but the part where we were
friends."
"Me, too." Rase closed his eyes and leaned his head back. "Maggie, I screwed everything
up."
"Tell me about it?" It was as though she could reach across through the ether and put her
hand on his. She had kept him afloat through his visits home, through so many things, from
the other end of the phone.
"Everything is wrong," Rase said. "I mean, everything is wrong about it. He can't be much
older than Takis, he used to work for me until he quit. In the stock room, of all places. I
hardly even know him."
"But you feel like he knows you, don't you?" Maggie sounded like she was smiling.
"Yes," Rase admitted, feeling sheepish and transparent.
"Maybe he feels the same way. Maybe he's afraid of you. You don't really see yourself,
Rase," Maggie said. "You don't understand what you look like to the rest of the world. You
look like you could leap tall buildings in a single bound, catch bullets in your teeth, and buy
up New York and put in a theme park. Which, by the way, I'm totally in favor of, if you ever
feel inspired. But my point is, people worship you and you don't even know it. It's part of
your charm, but sometimes I wish you had a clue."
Rase wasn't sure what to say. He sat there in silence a moment, tugging at his hair. "So, I
shouldn't be here in Miami looking for him?"
"Oh, Rase." Maggie laughed at him. "It's that bad, is it?"
"Yeah." Rase opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. His cheeks felt so hot he thought his
skin would blister. "It's that bad, or worse."
"Then find him and talk to him," Maggie said. "Just don't, you know, try to buy him New
York or anything. Not on the first date, anyway."
"Thanks, Maggie." Rase regretted all the years he'd kept her at arm's length. "Are you okay
with all this?"
"It's my fault if I'm not," she said. "But, yeah, I am, Rase. I'm not so surprised. You did used
to be my best friend and all. Does this mean that maybe we can be friends again?" In that
moment, Rase remembered her at nineteen and realized that she'd been this person all along,
just waiting for him to catch up.
"I'd like that," Rase said. Just then, he felt steadier than he had in days, a brief reprieve from
his usual imbalance. "I'm sorry, Maggie, I'm sorry for everything."
"It's a whole new life, Rase." She actually sounded excited for him, and Rase found that he
was still having trouble processing any of this as being a good thing. "So, when do I get to
throw your coming-out party?"
Rase startled himself by laughing. It was amazing how he could go from so low to so high so
quickly with a little human contact. "Can we talk about it when I get back?"
"You mean we're actually going to talk? Like real people?" Maggie laughed at him again.
"Jordan -- you remember Jordan, don't you? -- opened a new restaurant up by the college.
We could have dinner some time."
"I'd like that, Mags." Rase stretched his legs out across the soft leather seats and leaned back.
"Like real people. As soon as I can."
"Call me if you need me, baby." Maggie had that certain tone that threatened dire
consequences if he didn't. "I've got a meeting for the new vegan leather division; I just
wanted to get in touch again."
"I will." It was hard to remember when he got low. "Thanks for calling."
"What are friends for?" There was the noise of her kissing the phone, a laugh, and then she
was gone.
Rase pulled a bottle of water from the fridge and cracked it open, then used his heel to open
up the sunroof with the button on the center console. It was a classic Miami day, blue-gold
and hot. Rase let the sun shine on him and tried to hold onto the warmth he felt inside from
talking to Maggie.
***
Rase couldn't sleep all that night. He sat out on the balcony under the stars, a glass of scotch
in one hand and a cigar in the other, and tried to think of what his life would be like if Gabriel
turned him away. He blew smoke at the stars, watching it spiral into the dark. He supposed
that he would learn how to do what he'd done before when he was young, how to find
someone to give him what he needed. He couldn't imagine finding someone like Gabriel
again; he didn't want to, really, because of what it was doing to his life.
Slowly, he was piecing together fragments of memory from that night, remembering what it
was like to lean on Gabriel and to be cared for. The pain had torn him apart and the comfort
had put him back together wrong so that he no longer fit into his life. What was he doing,
opening up the same Pandora's box by hunting Gabriel down? He could stop now and find his
balance.
No matter how he tried to talk himself out of it, the one thing that kept him on his course was
the thought that, maybe, he had hurt Gabriel somehow in all of this. He didn't have a right to
do that to Gabriel. Gabriel could always send him away. Now he was back to wondering how
he would live if that happened. It was easier than trying to think of how he would live if it
didn't.
Rase was still sitting on the balcony when the sun started to color the sky. He pushed himself
to his feet and went in to take a shower. His hands were unsteady as he shaved and washed.
He hadn't been this nervous in years, maybe not since the morning of his wedding to Maggie.
It was ludicrous that he should care so much at his age. At least there was no one here to
laugh.
He was trying to decide what shirt to wear when his phone rang. Allen was checking up on
him.
"Is it important?" Rase asked as soon as he had the phone to his ear.
"Not necessarily, sir," Allen said crisply. "I thought you should know that the quotes from the
contractors regarding the India development have all been submitted. Also, there's a request [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]