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effects not as lasting next day. But something emerging
psychological with respect to violence."
(mid March, 1959)
"The next experience was 50 gamma of LSD in the office with
M., mostly -- also Will and P.O. some& My memory is that I started
out with violence, aggression -- and the worst was to a tiny baby.
Something to do with (brother) Jack, I think. Then a long time
spent in trying to find the time when I didn't know better& the
only thing I could get back to when I didn't feel guilty was a
small period when Mother and I seemed to be one. And then I
quickly put her above everything, knowing that this was wrong
because that relationship could only be held by God. There was
something about milk versus mashed potatoes. Know I was breast
fed for a year and was allergic to milk and was 'weaned on mashed
potatoes'& But the strongest feeling was that all along I knew
better; I was born knowing better and thus it was worse when I did
something I shouldn't. Then there were long periods when I felt
the survival drive: the terrible nausea and revulsion that my
necessity to survive at all cost gave me. I don't know where it
stopped short -- if it did. I think it did -- short of knowingly
giving someone pain. Then the experience of terrible pain as
though I were alone and dying on a snowy hillside -- after some
sort of accident. It might have been a plane accident or
something like that& Intervening time since this session
psychically upset; so took 50 gamma here at home one night with
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Will. He was tired and rather rough, so sent him to bed. Fell
asleep, which unusual both for LSD and me, and awoke with the most
terrible anxiety attack. Felt things all around to destroy or
harm me, and my picture by G. (schizophrenic patient at VA
Hospital) kept changing into a death mask. I must listen to this
tape, too, because I remember only the death masks and crying
uncontrollably over pictures of the family& "
Psilocybin Report -- September 3, 1959 -- 6 mg. orally 9:00
"It took about 15 minutes for the psilocybin to start acting.
I felt it first with a sort of letting go of the body. Then the
rather swamping& of the body, then nausea& and then the visions.
There were a great many visions, more than I have ever had before;
and much more color. This seems to be particular to the drug and
that, and the shorter acting time, seem to be the only
differentiating factors I could find from LSD. I would say that
the dosage resulted in a reaction comparable to one of 75 gamma
for me, except that it was all over in 4-5 hours while my 75 gamma
sessions went on far into the night& 
"The visions started with designs which very soon became
ribbons of color -- from the Amazon or South American jungle, from
Switzerland, May poles, etc. I didn't know what it all meant and
had to let it go on a long time with the chaos, distortion,
revulsion, lack of meaning before I began to see what the pattern
was& The general theme was slavery to the body; we are a prisoner
of our senses. Along with this came the red and gold and oriental
splendor of the Arabian nights, and I think my first letting go --
my first real burst of emotion (other than the initial lightness
and smiling and alternate smiling and tears) was with a real
wrench and sobbing that I would rather be dead. It was as though
I couldn't stand being a prisoner of the flesh -- of the senses...
I tried to go along with it, but this whole jungle, mountain top,
colorful ribbon May pole, Arabian night business was a hell for me
just as the physical pain had been in the past and also the nausea
of the saccharine heaven. Anyway, I said that they could have it
-- I had tried, and it just wasn't me; I'm just not sensual and
had tried to go along with it, but couldn't. I saw that the
alternative I had wrongly learned in my youth was that the defense
against the red was grey, not of neutrality but of the nun's
costume -- of the aesthetic& I was crying out against my burden.
The rest of the session was in seeing that the ego (doing things
my way) is very subtle and says, all right, I see that I have to
do as you say, but I won't like it. Actually, this is our only
freedom of choice, the choice of whether we like what we are and
must be and do -- or not.
"Specifically, and on a more superficial level, and with
respect to my family, I attacked sensuality for several reasons;
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first because it was a way of attacking mother and her powerful
position with Dad; secondly as a way of getting in good with his
Spartan side; thirdly as a way of defending against both his
sexuality (sensuality-hostility) toward me and mother's
sensuality-over-attachment toward me. I became grey or neutral
between them. The red was also too much for me -- I can't compete
with Mother's or M.'s red part of the spectrum -- they are far too
splendid for me& 
"In working out this set of relationships, I suddenly saw
what my role in the early family was -- the peacemaker. It was a
huge load off my mind. For some reason I had gotten the idea that
I had to control Mother's insanity and Dad's violence and both of
their sexuality; but not at all. My role was -- and is -- to show
people what part of the spectrum they are and how they need not
infringe on any other person's part as each has its rightful
place. Not control, but reflection of the basic truth& One must
perceive separateness as the truth in order to differentiate as an
individual; otherwise one remains a baby or a psychotic. But one
must then see and experience thru the illusion of separateness to
the fundamental fusion of all.
"Earlier, and with respect to this necessity to control, I
squeezed out my emotions in ribbons like the ones I saw --
streamers of color rather than the whole swirling business...
something to do with the anal stage of development and
independence& This need to control disappeared as I let the red of
the Arabian nights come, also pure colors to sweep over in
swatches and swirls and inundate me& There was also an insight
about how we balance things: one must learn to balance totally as
far as one can -- but then to be willing to let go to the greater
balance without understanding why, if it is not relevant to know.
It is important that a child learn to be just, just as he must
learn to be truthful& 
"After the peacemaker insight& my role is not to fight, but to
reflect the truth. One is never allowed to attack; anything which
is defensive is an attack; it is a resistance; it is a violation
of someone else's territory. Then I got up and the drug seemed to
be wearing off& This period of greyness will be the one I'll be
working with and in for the next months; it has to do with freeing
those resistances which I cannot control or will away -- those
resistances to love -- to loving my discipline, the conditions of
my life. It can't be done through anything other than myself; and
yet I cannot do it. I must accept full responsibility while
knowing that I have no control over it; that I can only keep
going, working, being responsible, and perhaps the grace of God
will occur which will allow me to love. I am very thankful for
the session."
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Report on DMT (Di-methyl-tryptamine) February 23, 1960. One cc.
intramuscularly at 7:05 p.m. in Dr. Janiger's "silent room". Will
and M. present.
"Since this is the first time I have had an hallucinogen by
injection, I cannot compare the rapidity of onset, although it
didn't seem much more speedy that LSD or psilocybin. Something
over 5 minutes, and I have felt LSD in just under 10 minutes. The
duration was extremely different, however, as the height of the
drug reaction occurred for about 25 minutes, and the total
reaction was virtually over within an hour.
"This is an extraordinary drug and unique among the
hallucinogens which I have had& The color and imagery more closely
resembled psilocybin in brightness and rapidity of flow; the color
was like that of psilocybin and also mescaline; however, the great
difference is that I can find no comparable reality equivalent of
the quality of the reaction in my experience of other levels of [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]