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have always known in a dim way that there were two sexes. Very
early I had a sense of shame at having my body exposed; I
remember on one occasion I could not be persuaded to undress
before a young girl visitor. At that time I must have been about
3. When I was 4 a neighbor who had often petted me took me on his
lap and clasped my hand around his penis. Though he was
interrupted in a moment, this made a lasting impression on me. I
had no physical sensation nor did I have any conception of the
significance of the act. Yet I had a slight feeling of repulsion,
and I must have dimly felt that it was wrong, for I did not tell
my mother. I was not accustomed to confide in her, for, though
truthful, I was secretive.
"At the age of 5 I commenced to attend a district school. I
remember that on my first day I was Greatly attracted by a little
girl who wore a bright-red dress.
"My first definite knowledge of sex came in this way: I was
attending Sabbath school and had become ambitious to read the
Bible through. I had gotten as far as the account of the birth of
Esau and Jacob, which aroused my curiosity. So I asked my mother
the meaning of some word in the passage. She seemed embarrassed
and evaded my question. This attitude stimulated my curiosity
further, and I re-read the chapter until I understood it pretty
well. Later I was further enlightened by girl playmates. I fancy
I enjoyed listening to their talk and repeating what I knew on
 account of the mystery and secrecy with which sex subjects are
surrounded rather than any sensual delight.
"I cannot recall any act of mine growing directly from sexual
feeling until I was 10 years old. Several other little girls and
myself two or three times exposed private parts of our bodies to
each other. In one instance, at least, I was the instigator. This
act gave me some pleasure, though no distinct physical sensation.
One incident I recall that happened when I was about 10. A girl
cousin and myself had been playing 'house' together. I do not
recall what immediately led to it, but we began to address each
other as boys and tried to urinate through long tubes of some
sort. I also recall feeling a vague interest in this process in
animals, and observing them closely in the act.
"From this time until I was about 14 I grew ruder, more
boisterous and uncontrollable. Prior to this I had been a quite
tractable child. When 12 I became interested in a boy in my grade
at school, and tried to attract him, but failed. Once at a
children's party where we were playing kissing games I tried to
get him to kiss me, but he was unresponsive. I do not recall
bothering myself about him after that. A year later I had a boy
chum about whom my schoolmaster teased me. I thought this
ridiculous. At the age of 13 I menstruated, a fact that caused me
shame and anger. Gradually I grew to feel myself peculiar, why, I
cannot explain. I did not seem to myself to be like other girls
of my acquaintance. I adopted, as a defense, a brusque and
defiant air. I spent a good deal of time playing alone in our
backyard, where I made a pair of stilts, practised rope-walking,
and such things. At school I felt I was not liked by the nicer
girls and began to associate with girls whom I now believe were
immoral, but whom I then supposed did nothing worse than talk in
an obscene manner. I copied their conversation and grew more
reckless and uncontrollable. The principal of the high school I
was attending, I learned afterward, said I was the hardest pupil
to control she had ever had. About this time I read a book where
a girl was represented as saying she had a 'boy's soul in a
girl's body.' The applicability of this to myself struck me at
once, and I read the sentence to my mother who disgusted me by
appearing shocked.
"During this period I began to fall in love,--a practice which
 clung to me until I was nearly 30 years old. I recall various
older women with whom I became much enamored, and one man. Of
these there was only one with whom I became acquainted well
enough to show any affection; another was a teacher, and another
was a young married woman at whom I used to gaze ardently during
an entire church service. Toward all my women teachers I had a
somewhat sentimental attitude. They stimulated me, while the men
gave me a wholly impersonal feeling. This abnormal sentimentality
may have been caused, or at least was increased, by the reading
of novels, some of a highly voluptuous nature. I began to read
novels at 7, and from 11 to 14 I absorbed a great many
undesirable ones. This lead to my picturing my future with a
lover, fancying myself in romantic scenes and being caressed and
embraced. I had always supposed I should marry. When about 5 I
decided that when I grew up I would marry a certain young man who
used to come to our house. Several years later he married, to my
real disappointment. I had no affection for him, but merely
thought he would make a desirable husband.
"During my unhappy adolescence I heard that a former playmate was
going to visit at my home. I began to look forward to the visit
with much eagerness and at her arrival was much excited. I wished
to stay alone with her and to caress her, and when we slept
together I pressed my body against her in a sensual manner, which
act she permitted, but without passion. I was greatly excited and
could scarcely sleep. This was the first time I had acted in such
a way, and after she left I felt shame and dislike for her. At
future meetings there was never the least sensuality; we never
referred to the first visit and are still friends, though not
intimate.
"A diary which I kept during my fourteenth and fifteenth years is [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]